CALORIE VALUES

Empty Calorie

Please note that the content of this book primarily consists of articles available from Wikipedia or other free sources online. Empty calories, in casual dietary terminology, are a measurement of the energy present in high-energy foods with poor nutritional profiles, with most of the energy typically coming from processed carbohydrates, fats, or ethanol. Also known as a discretionary calorie, an "empty calorie" has the same energy content as any other calorie but lacks many accompanying nutrients such as vitamins, dietary minerals, antioxidants, amino acids, or dietary fiber. Although carbohydrates, fats and water are also nutrients, they are typically ignored for this analysis, with the exception of essential fatty acids.

I bought strawberry frosted pop tarts today (to get more fruit in my diet). Upon opening the package, I noted a rectangle of plastic marring the smooth cardboard texture of the pastry receptacle wall. Without looking too closely I ripped the offending material away to unveil the message

SORRY,
is not an instant winner.
Please try again.

Then I took a closer to discover what I had ripped away appeared to be a $10 iTunes gift card.
And yet...I had lost? Confused but in a jolly mood thanks to the endorphin rush of scarfing down rectangles of sugar and empty calories, I was only cautiously pessimistic. Was this some marketing ploy to get me to sign up for an iTunes Store account, only to let me down with a gentle "We already told you that you lost, idiot, now maybe you'd like to console yourself with a Carrie Underwood single for only $0.99?" I had nothing to lose, I figured, because I already had an iTunes Store account and some Sugar Ros on deck for consolation. However, entering the card's code into the iTunes Store credited my account with $10.
The box had lied!
This was unprecedented.
I refused to believe it.
Then it dawned on me. The box was calling ME a loser. I must have torn away the "You" before "is not an instant winner." (I'm aware of the blatantly bad grammar, but please keep in mind that it is in fact a cardboard box and thus not as bright as you or I.) But why would it be so cruel? To trick me into throwing away $10 in electronic moneys? Psychological abuse, teaching kids that even winners can be losers*?

Not pictured is me burning the box and placing it in a cold, unmarked cardboard grave.

*actually an important lesson that kids should learn

For Friends Only

Ours yet not ours, being set apart
As a shrine to friendship,
Empty and silent most of the year,
This room awaits from you
What you alone, as visitor, can bring,
A weekend of personal life.

In a house backed by orderly woods,
Facing a tractored sugar-beet country,
Your working hosts engaged to their stint,
You are unlike to encounter
Dragons or romance: were drama a craving,
You would not have come.

Books we do have for almost any
Literate mood, and notepaper, envelopes,
For a writing one (to "borrow" stamps
Is the mark of ill-breeding):
Between lunch and tea, perhaps a drive;
After dinner, music or gossip.

Should you have troubles (pets will die
Lovers are always behaving badly)
And confession helps, we will hear it,
Examine and give our counsel:
If to mention them hurts too much,
We shall not be nosey.

Easy at first, the language of friendship

Is, as we soon discover,
Very difficult to speak well, a tongue
With no cognates, no resemblance
To the galimatias of nursery and bedroom,
Court rhyme or shepherd's prose,

And, unless spoken often, soon goes rusty.
Distance and duties divide us,
But absence will not seem an evil
If it make our re-meeting
A real occasion. Come when you can:
Your room will be ready.

In Tum-Tum's reign a tin of biscuits
On the bedside table provided
For nocturnal munching. Now weapons have changed,
And the fashion of appetites:
There, for sunbathers who count their calories,
A bottle of mineral water.

Felicissima notte! May you fall at once
Into a cordial dream, assured
That whoever slept in this bed before
Was also someone we like,
That within the circle of our affection
Also you have no double.

WH Auden

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